Spoken Like A True ‘Bandwagon Brat’

The Yankees lost the ALCS in six games. It’s the end of the world! Sell the team, fire Joe Girardi, get rid of all our players, and let’s get our credit cards out and shop for new ones. Some team is bound to have a fire sale this offseason. Let’s jump on that.

Our 2010 team was awful. Our pitchers couldn’t pitch, our hitters couldn’t hit, our manager is a slave to a binder, and our ownership obviously doesn’t want to be successful.

First and foremost, we need to get rid of Nick Swisher. He has heart. So what? Since when does “heart” and “giving all you’ve got” matter in baseball? Character doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he hits in the postseason.

Don’t tell me he has a great attitude. He’s always laughing and smiling. He’s a total clown. Since when are players allowed to have fun playing the game? He needs to be serious like Jorge Posada. That’s how Yankees are supposed to be. He needs to stop smiling, and start hitting in the postseason.

This is the second postseason in which he did not show up. I don’t care how well he played during the 2009 and 2010 seasons, if you can’t hit in the playoffs, you’re a bad player. Don’t give me any of the “small sample size” logic, or tell me that his season numbers helped us get to the playoffs. Since when did a player’s regular season numbers make him good? Don’t you know that it’s all about the postseason?

If we were to only look at regular season numbers, then we’d be fooled into thinking that this Alex Rodriguez character is good at baseball.

LIES!

In six postseasons, A-Rod has only been good in one. That’s a 0.167 average. Clearly we need to get rid of him, too. I don’t care if his season numbers played huge roles in carrying us to these postseasons. This season his numbers were the worst numbers I’ve ever seen from anyone EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL OF BASEBALL. It doesn’t matter that even while struggling, he still managed to hit 30 home runs and 125 RBI’s. We should have kept Cody Ransom at third.

A-Rod was horrible all of this season. He slumped this year, and was even worse in the playoffs. He hasn’t performed in most Octobers. Therefore, he sucks and we need to get rid of him.

Derek Jeter is old, tired, and can’t hit anymore. He needs to retire.

We also need to get rid of this CC Sabathia loser. Losing in the ALCS is unacceptable. He is one of the most unreliable pitchers ever in the history of the world. He clearly doesn’t have what it takes to be a Yankee, and he obviously never will. 21 wins or not, Sabathia must go.

Mark TeixeiraWhile we’re at it, let’s get rid of Mark Teixeira. His early-season slumps are getting old. Also, how dare he get injured when we need him the most? It looks as though his entire career will be full of injuries. Not to mention he made a ton of errors at first base.  A TON! Like… three, or something. Really, Teixeira is so over the hill. He didn’t make three errors last year and we won the World Series!

What? He made four in 2009? Oh…

Whatever. He still got injured, and didn’t hit for a couple of months. Let’s dump him now before he costs us any more championships.

You know who else we have to dump? Our entire bullpen. Anyone not named Mariano Rivera has to go. Even Mariano is done, but I’m choosing to be reasonable and give him another chance. Dump the rest of our bullpen, though. They’re garbage.

Curtis Granderson and Brett Gardner also must go. Bring back Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui to take their places in the outfield. Don’t tell me Matsui has bad knees, and Damon can’t throw a ball to his own mother. We won a World Series with Damon and Matsui. We’ve never even made it to the World Series with Curtis Granderson. That’s all the logic I need.

With the same logic, we need to bring back Melky Cabrera. Robinson Cano misses him, evidenced by Robbie’s 2010 numbers.

A.J. Burnett needs to be taken out back and shot. Done.

We need to put Phil Hughes back in the bullpen, and move Joba Chamberlain back into the rotation. This was the setup in 2009, and we ended up winning the World Series! This is obviously the winning formula.

Brian Cashman is the worst General Manager in the history of the New York Yankees. Why don’t we have Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Jayson Werth and Carl Crawford yet? Clearly Cashman is awful at what he does.

You know what? The Yankees are done for the next decade. We need to dump everyone and start over. Actually, I’m not waiting that long. I’ll just take a break from baseball until they do.

If you agree with everything I wrote in this blog entry, do us all a favor and jump off the bandwagon.

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About beeeebzy
I'm Lebanese-American, born and raised in the Bronx, NYC. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I operate on a no-bullshit level. I love my New York Yankees. They are my passion in life. I love lefty pitchers. I laugh at the most awkward of times.

4 Responses to Spoken Like A True ‘Bandwagon Brat’

  1. Juddah Kie says:

    OhI see what you did there. lol

  2. Bella Foxx says:

    I’m so glad you’re back!

    **hugs laptop**

  3. Interesting, I was waiting for the line that said “what a bunch of douche fans that say this” or something to that effect. “Support the team or keep it shut”. It didn’t come.

    Happy days :)

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